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Waking up HANGOVER FREE after my birthday for the 5th year in a row!! Feels sooooooooooo good not to feel like an ashamed shit bag! Yes, birthdays are different now BUT for the better. Instead of my intentions of getting as drunk as possible because that’s what I thought fun was and the only way to celebrate your birth. They are now spent with some people I care about most in this precious world with a lot of laughs and quality time. Along with some spa pampering!! It’s totally OK to spend your birthday sipping sparkling water, the world will not end. Looking forward to embracing 3️⃣5️⃣ and enjoying the ride..One Day At A Time!! 🚫🥃💜🙌🏻🎉

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Throwback

Throwback to living in a world of shame, hate, anger, loneliness, self sabotage and a Mindset of thinking I didn’t deserve any good in my world. Funny thing is..I put myself in that state. I was the one who continued to drink and create a very delusional world for myself. That’s right, I DID it all to myself..addiction is a powerful disease. There is life after addiction and a very good one y’all, you have the choice to start today and my wish for the people who are suffering in addiction is that you choose LIFE because that’s what addiction comes down to..life or death! Recovery is POSSIBLE. 💜✌🏻🦋🌿🚫🥃

Let it Go!

Couldn’t agree MORE!! 

This past weekend has been a happy but emotional one for me celebrating my 5 year. When you celebrate this type of milestone it seems surreal because YOU are the only one who knows the true struggle you had in days of addiction and in recovery. Yes, recovery can be a struggle but the bad days in recovery will ALWAYS win over the best days in addiction because they were really not all that great or few and far between.. I will never be cured of this disease cause yes it is a disease y’all. I still have days 5 years into this where the thought of drinking comes to my mind and how good it would feel to be drunk..truth! I have to let that thought come to mind feel it and then shake it off and not live in that addiction demon. I didn’t say to myself one day “man, I’m going to become an alcoholic today and do the following…ruin relationships, spend nights in jail, spend nights in hospitals because of drunken induced accidents, destroy my body, wake up next to someone not knowing their name, missed milestone moments in friends/family lives, go into a tail spin of debt, do drugs that you always said you wouldn’t do, shame/guilt spiral, lose jobs, missed opportunities and spend a decade of my life in this vicious cycle cause this all sounds like a good time!” My sober life is my life now and I know turning back to the bottle will never solve anything and will just bring more bad then good but at some point if you want a better life you really have to make the CHOICE TO STOP..I did and if I can, so can you!!

 My bestie was alcohol and that best friend of mine at one point of my life would of eventually killed me down the road. Let it go, get the help and know that YOU are WORTH IT!💯💜🚫🥃🌿✌🏻👱🏻‍♀️

Happy 5th Birthday!!

My favorite day of the year is here!! I love this day more then my birthday, the Oscars, Sundays or any major holiday. Im 5 today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I made the decision to stop the madness on 8/18/12  and make a choice to live a life of love, light and freedom five years ago today. Which is exactly the opposite of what I was living for a decade of my active addiction with alcohol. I still allow myself to feel that morning cause that is a place I never wish to go back to. Was it a scary thought to think of a life without the booze?? YES, of course!! It took me two years to settle fully in my sober life and feel comfortable in my own skin. I had to relearn how to live again, relearn how to cope and just be without booze. Thru these years and the process of recovery I have learned, I’m much stronger then I ever thought, the world is truly my oyster and I am extremely powerless over alcohol and that is OK!! Doesn’t make me a freak show or less then anyone. The heavy burden that was once in my daily life blocking me from the life I knew I wanted and deserved is no longer there and I’m living that life I once dreamed of being free from shame, guilt, darkness and despair. When I’m asked how have I stayed sober, the answer is simple, I don’t want to die. My addiction is a matter of life and death and I will always choose life!! If I pick up the bottle again, good night sweet prince…it’s true y’all. The Recovery road is not an EASY one, you really do have to put the work in daily but as time goes on it gets easier and becomes just a way of life. I do promise you with all my heart and soul, that recovery is WORTH IT and for anyone who is struggling reach out for help there is always someone there for you. I’m HERE always. Recovery is a WE thing, I wouldn’t be here today without the love and support from my husband, family and friends!! To the Recovery community, I just adore and love you all. So much strength, beauty and talents come out of sobriety/recovery. You all are such an inspiration to me, so thank you to ALL!! 

Sober is the new everything, take it one day at a time and always know that WE DO RECOVER!!!!💯💜😭🚫🥃 #celebraterecovery

Sober On Bourbon Street

SOBER on Bourbon Street!!!!! Here is what I have learned in life..no matter where you go there you are!! Before I left on this trip, I had someone say to me, “what the hell are you going to New Orleans for?? You don’t drink!” Why, yes sir I don’t but I also CHOOSE to continue to live life and not curl up and become a recluse… Alcohol is in every town, every state and every country on this planet. You can make any town a party town but I will not sit back and let life pass me by and I’m FOR sure am having a sober time in one of the best cities on the planet. Sobriety is the NEW EVERYTHING!!⚜️💜🚫🥃

SOBER SEX!!!

Alright friends…. I’m going to open up this discussion, if you are not comfy talking about it..DON’T but for me it took a bit of time to get use too. Also I know this is a topic to a lot of people in the Recovery community you may feel like “am I the only one who feels this way?” You are not. So please feel free to share below if you want or have any insight to the topic. As we know in this journey, what you are feeling and thinking there is at least one other person who feels the SAME.  I feel like for this topic..thousands feel this way!!
SOBER SEX! 
I remember when I got sober, I seriously thought “how am I going to have sex” at this time I was 1.5 years into my relationship with Matt(my husband) and we had sex BUT it was a lot more when I was drinking. So I was never really fully comfortable with myself to have that intimate relationship(because most addicts/alcoholics have problems with intimacy) with him and being fully present. I used sex thru out my addiction as a way to feel loved, my self worth and to manipulate relationships(obvi super toxic) and I know now that is so outrageous to think that it was the only way to feel loved but it’s what I did. When I say it took me almost a year to feel fully comfortable with him, I’m not kidding. Now I think about “how I could never have a one night stand” like I use too. Seriously, it creeps me out and can’t believe the ones I had. Of course if I was in a right state of mind, I wouldn’t have done them. Some of these dudes I couldn’t even tell you their names but could recognize them by he bar I was at..like shit!! I have forgiven myself and those shameful feelings have disappeared thruout the years of recovery. 
If you are feeling like this just know it does get better and it just takes some time in this journey like everything else. 
I’m an open book and I don’t look at Sex as a shameful topic but totally get and understand everyone’s views on this topic are different.  You actually may be reading this and judge which is fine cause I don’t care. Judge if you want, think I’m a ho(I was and I own it) No one is perfect, the point is I’m bringing awareness to the topic of addiction and folks this is part of it. It’s not pretty and during active addictions, you do some really bad shit that you would never do Sober!! 
Hope this post helped one person understand that they are and weren’t alone in this behavior.
Always, 

CMA

Choice!

This was a hard one for me to understand FOR YEARS!! 
In my active addiction I always played the victim, I blamed my Drinking on everyone else and I justified it by saying “I’m not hurting anyone” which was all a crock of hot shit because I was hurting myself and the trickle down effect it had on others. I blamed my drinking on my parents, relationships, friendships, jobs, I mean really anything.. “Life someone how fucked me over so”…well that was the story I kept telling myself!!! 
Yes..was my childhood and teen years not good because of my parents and I know half the reason I went into drinking was because of the lack of parenting and structure I received. My parents divorced at age 7 and there was just a series of misunfornate events that kept coming after they split. The chaos and crazy times was a yearly staple in my home.  Alcoholism and mental illness was HUGE and at age 7, I already knew what these terms meant because this is what I was shown by adults.  I also learned in early childhood, that drinking was fun and that’s how you have a good time and cope with life or life events. 
The other half of my drinking was because of genetics, alcoholism and mental illness clearly runs on both sides of the family..so BOOM double whammy(anyone remember that game show?? It was a fave of mine😂😂) I was more likely to catch a case of the alcoholism!
But In the end and it didn’t take me getting sober and out of the delusion to realize this.. WE ALWAYS have a choice!!! NO one was sitting there telling me to drink, that was all me!! I created a world for myself that all I did was “party and get wasted” I couldn’t continue to blame people for my drinking because the older I got and the more involved I got into my addiction, I was the one who had control to drink or not to drink. I couldn’t keep living in the past of my childhood and keep blaming others when I was feeding myself the poison. Once I did take my first sip of alcohol it was GAME ON, lights out and zero control.  
Remember we always have a choice and in my heart of hearts I know their are people in this world who truly are “allergic” to the sauce so abstaining from alcohol is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  
I am truly powerless over the hooch and that is 💯 percent amazing and not shameful to admit!!

Always, 

CMA

You can have fun Sober!

It’s totally normal to be scared that first year of sobriety!! I was scared shitless..for reals. Don’t ever think or feel like it’s silly for thinking these thoughts because it’s not!! We end of relying on such a powerful drug to help us deal with feelings, I was told and shown growing up that life was FUN when you had cocktails. So it’s know surprise I turned to alcohol for everything!! 

I didn’t know how life was going to continue on without that drink at birthdays, concerts, holidays, weddings, funerals, family gatherings, brunch, cookouts, engagements, hanging out with friends, spring, summer, fall, winter or even having sex without being hammered..truth! Oh yes, how many of us have only been able to have sex hammered??? 
But guess what?!?! Life does go on and it gets better and a lot more “fun”.  You just have to be patient with the recovery process, put in the work with yourself  and know all these “Life events” are actually better without the booze. I remember so much now with these important life events and just LIFE in general. I know longer wake up thinking “what songs did they play at the show” or “how the fuck did  get home” My world isn’t revolved around when I’m going to have my next drink..seriously that thought consumed me for so many years. It’s nice to be free of that awful feeling of wanting something every hour of everyday.  

4 years, 8 months and 8 days without alcohol and I have yet to regret that decision I made on 8/18/12!! There is a whole world out there that is full of help and there is nothing wrong in asking for it. 

Gratitude is the Attitude

In the past few weeks I have upping my gratitude vibration which I had lost for the past few months.  I have always been a person who lived in gratitude but when I got sober it was taken to a whole other level of appreciation. I guess when you have had 1,000 chances at life and you finally see that with clear sober eyes.. shit gets real and you don’t take for granted what you have in the present.  Sometimes, you have to keep gut checking yourself in life and refocus. It’s very easy to get caught up in the what have not’s and I’ve been dealing with that on this journey of infertility issues.  I remember in my first weeks of sobriety, I went to a meeting and sat at the table and listened to people say how much “time they had sober” I remember thinking I wanted that, I wanted to be a year, five years, ten years, etc., etc.  After my 90 days came my attitude shifted because that is when I started to wake up and realize, “whoa man, I just nailed 90 days and fuck yes to me for beating my own demon!!” I had to stop comparing to others and be grateful for another day of sobriety and another day of life because this was MY journey. We all have our own ride in life and this I know, no ones ride is the same!!

Below is what I shared in my Fertility group and I wanted to share here because it goes along with the theme of this blog.

“Saturday I got my lady cycle and I have got to say I was surprised due to it being a week early. Maybe the moon fucked it up, who knows.  However I was not disappointed because we had stopped trying this past month since our next step with a new fertility doctor is coming in the near future. We had to take a step back and just be. It was taking over our lives and driving us both nuts. It felt nice not having this consume our lives these past few weeks.

Whether kids happen or not for matt and I, I am so grateful that we have each other!  We built our relationship on the love we have for one another not on the fact that kids are everything in life. I’m learning thru this process like so much in life that nothing is guaranteed or PROMISED to us in life. So if it is just him and I for the rest of our lives with a shit ton of Fur Babies then that is what is already mapped out for us. We can’t change that!

We aren’t giving up by any means. But man for anyone who knows about going thru infertility issues knows how much it consumes your life.  Coming back to gratitude that past few weeks has been LIFE!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eating My Emotions

Have you ever turned to food for comfort? I’m not talking like lady cycle comfort, like legit you turn to food to make yourself feel better. I did for my first year of sobriety…YIKES!!

So, for a year I ate and ate and ate. Didn’t care, zero fucks and had a yolo attitude with whatever I wanted because “I quit drinking!” I found myself using this excuse a lot that first year, it was some “dry drunk” behavior I went thru.  Sometimes I wasn’t even hungry but would eat to satisfied myself when I had a “feeling of life”or even when I would have the urge to drink. There were some days I would have urges every hour, starbursts and skittles were my besties and so was DIET COKE. I use to drink up to 6 sodas a day.  I ate my way to almost 180 pounds!!! At the time, honestly it didn’t matter to me because the first year of sobriety was so scary I just had to exist in life and get thru each day. Never in my life did I think I would find comfort in a bag of KIT KATS, it was better then therapy.. TRUTH! But there I was eating treats to not feel like I did with alcohol pushing feeling down that I didn’t want to deal with like, accountability, the hurt I caused others, repairing relationships, dealing with feelings from your childhood like was I ever good enough for my parents??  The list could go on but that’s for another day. You get the drift!

I started noticing after some time what a slippery slope I was going down. The summer of 2013 I had enough and didn’t want to feel like shit anymore. It wasn’t until I saw this picture that I’m sharing where I had a wake up call. Maybe I finally snapped out of my own delusion of a year of just trying to deal with sobriety. I’ve said it before and will keep saying it, SOBRIETY IS NOT EASY BUT ITS WORTH IT. Lots of feels go on during the recovery journey.   You may see one sober pal killing it with exercise and nutrition from the get and think “why can’t that be me” but you can’t compare to others and maybe that person took a few years to get to that point or maybe that’s just how they dealt from the get it go. One of my closet pals was able to go out with friends right away when she stopped drinking but I could not!  Everyone is different!!

I got to the point where  I felt lethargic all the time, my sleep was awful, my anxiety was soaring and I hated the way I felt. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and starting to feel extremely shameful after I would eat like this.  I wouldn’t even change in front of my boyfriend. I felt like I was slipping into another addiction. It’s funny they usually say where there is one addiction there is about 2-3 more.  Was food addiction about to make my list?!?!? If I kept going that route yes I would of had more of a problem but I recognized it and dealt with it by looking for different outlets of healthy activities.

I started to cope with exercise and learning more about cleaner nutrition to fell better. Don’t get me wrong I still have days especially this past year of falling into a habit of eating my feelings due to infertility issues.  I am human but I snapped out of it again because I was starting to feel like garbage. The last few months I’ve gotten myself back on track because I know eating myself into numbness will not solve anything and just make myself feel worse.  I talk with a lot of women in recovery and ones who are early on in their recovery  and they all say how they have gained weight and are SO hard on themselves.  Ladies, go easy on yourselves… Honestly, gain the weight!!!! It’s better then the alternative, this is just my opinion.  Focus on 90 t0 200 days of your recovery and then start working on the fitness and nutrition part.  Step by Step you will get there. I really believe in early recovery there is so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect! At least I felt that way until I started to just chill after so many months and realizing sober life isn’t so bad and that it wasn’t a punishment.

Give yourself a break for a bit and just get use to your life sober. Let it go and let it flow, the rest will fall into place

 

Always,

CMA

 

July, 2013… This is the picture that opened my eyes… this is also NOT MY CAR just my dream car!!!

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