Is Escaping Reality Worth It?

There is a day month after month for the past two years I would love nothing more then to get absolutely shitfaced! I mean really just take it to the face, black out drunk!! This day I speak of, is the first day of my lady cycle. For the past two years my husband and I have struggled with trying to conceive aka Fertility issues. When you are young you never think that trying to get pregnant would be so hard. You think easy, no big deal, it just takes one time, I will do the opposite of what they told me do in sex ed class and just not use any birth control. For some couples they don’t even try, for some they get pregnant after month 1, some 6 months, some 1 year, some need IVF, some need IUI, some need a surrogate and some need to adopt. We all have such different journeys of becoming parents. On our journey I have learned that thousands/millions of couples go thru fertility/infertility issues. My heart breaks for all couples who have to go on this ride because it is beyond the pits. This really is extremely hard and emotionally draining of one’s soul! I’m putting it out to the world because I have to just release this, sometimes holding onto to something so tight limits you and blocks things from coming into your life.

Each month when my lady cycle comes its like a death, you have to mourn a thought, a possibility like this was going to be the month. You have then put more pressure on yourself because “TIME” is an issue for us ladies. It for sure is not in our favor when it comes to bearing children, we all know as you get older chance of pregnancy decreases. After the moment of my lady cycle presenting itself then comes the feels. It’s a combination of sadness, anger and just a big bummer feeling. During these feelings, an old friend decides to bring it’s self to the surface… hello addiction! This asshole really likes to show me some pretty rude scenario’s, like rude! For instance, me having a time with all kinds of liquor mainly lots and lots of shots just not Jameson(insert dry heave)oh and don’t forget the cigs, I’m chain smoking like a savage in these movie trailers playing in my head. During the trailer in my head, then comes the feeling of not deserving good things and really sinking back into the thought process of “I don’t deserve happiness” or “this must be karma” which is just a crock of shit. I do deserve good and know I’m a good person, its just part of the self sabotage/addiction cycle. It’s beyond fucking WILD!! In all honesty, I see how easy it is for people to relapse. Life is hard and you never know what each day is going to throw at you. Addiction is strong, evil and has a way of making you feel like its right to use… it’s seductive.

So, for a few hours of this particular day this is what my thoughts are consumed with but it always makes me feel dirty, like its not right. I’m happy it does make me feel this way because I know that drinking/using wont solve anything. Why?? Cause the pain will still be there tomorrow. I would only be escaping reality for those few hours and is it worth it??? NO!! I’ve come to the point in my recovery and life I have way to much to loose if I drank then gain if I did. Know matter how much therapy, AA, NA, self help and support groups you attend or complete the “addiction” doesn’t leave you, its a disease and will always be apart of you. I’m only speaking from my 4 years and 3 months of sobriety that the addiction just becomes silent and remains still. Life will continue to throw me curveballs but its up to me to keep the fight going and know that DRINKING IS NOT WORTH IT! My way to grieve this loss each month now is eating some really bad food, wearing fat pants, having a good cry and watching Steel Magnolias. Still gets me every time M’Lynn is trying to make Shelby open her eyes while she is laying in the hospital in a coma. I choose to wake up the following day and continue on with life in a positive mindset and know in my heart that one day we will be parents, how we get there that is uncertain but that is life. I choose self love and not self hate.

I’m beyond blessed with all I have now and lucky to have such an amazing, supportive stud of a husband and the best cat in all the land. We will keep our heads held high and keep on truckin at expanding our family. As always we will take our journey one day at a time!!

Always,

CMA

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FOMO!!

FOMO-FEAR OF MISSING OUT… YES, its a thing and YES it is real!! My FOMO was out of hand early days of recovery. It will go away in time but once in awhile it will pop back up in my life, depending on an event or situation. Last year I had this when I opted out of a weekend Bachelorette party for a good friend but I just couldn’t do it because I knew there would be heavy drinking involved. I’m just not there yet, I may never be and that is OK! It’s ok to say NO, its healthy and sets boundaries for yourself so you don’t jeopardize your own sobriety. In early stages of recovery, FOMO was right up there with my crippling anxiety. I know, I know it sounds silly but its true. In my addiction my drinking was so, very social. To be honest I never drank at home much unless it was continuing the party after the bars shut down or random nights I decided to stay in and drink wine.

I learned the FOMO would come around the time, I started to get the itch for wanting to drink. Which would be daily. I would wonder what my pals were doing and just assume they were out and about having a time! I would look at pictures on social media and see friends out with big smiles on their faces as they held there beers, wine or shots. I would always say to myself “why cant I just be able to drink normal” It just is life and I don’t have the off button, I guess as lady gaga would say.. I was born this way. Recovery can be lonely! You have to isolate yourself to get better, but then again a lot of friends disappear on you. You quickly see who your real true blue friends are and the ones that will meet you for coffee or lunch and do none drinking activities with you. KEEP THOSE PEOPLE AROUND! They love you for YOU and not just the good time you bring to the table at the present moment of being at the bar, before you reach your black out and become Cornado. In time, I learned that the only thing I was missing out on was me being a drunk asshole!! I wasn’t drinking into a blackout, I wasn’t throwing chairs, I wasn’t yelling at people, I wasn’t putting myself in harmful situations, I wasn’t going to jail, I wasn’t waking up in a hospital, I wasn’t sleeping with inappropriate men, I wasn’t waking up with a hangover that would give me panic attacks.. the list could go on and on. As my alcoholic brain started to change and the fog was
lifting in recovery, I was soon starting to realize that FOMO is me living
in my old life. I use to get it in my addiction when I couldn’t go out with friends or I couldn’t attend an event for whatever reason. It was me wanting to go out and get as fucked up as possible because that is what I thought was how you had fun!!! It’s hard to admit but its true, drinking to me equaled a good time. Growing up that’s how drinking was perceived in my house hold, cocktails were fun, no matter what day it was! When I finally had this AHA moment, I had to start living for NOW and the new life I was and
am creating for myself. It’s funny because you truly have to mourn your old
life and some friends you once had. You have to mourn that FOMO. You have to mourn alcohol, sounds lame but booze was my best friend for 11 years. So, I had to say good bye to it, cry over it, be angry at it and then come to peace with it. Trust when I say what you think you are missing out on, your not and it is not that fun anyway. Keep reminding yourself of all the bad your addiction brought to the table and then remember all the good your sobriety is brining into your life. Go thru the motions of the process, its a death. I cant even tell you how many times I have cried since becoming sober..it is wild but it has become healthy to release the emotions. It gets worse before it gets better but it gets BETTER! Remember, you have done ALOT OF DAMAGE to your life
and others around you because of your addiction, so that ripple effect has expanded wide.

FOMO hasn’t happened to me since summer of 2015, that’s good because its healthy!! I’m growing away from my addiction, if that makes sense?!?! I guess I am trying to say that heavy burden is not so present in my life now a days. I’m living in the present and living for the NOW which does not consist of alcohol. Nothing will be or is the same once you become sober! It’s a good thing, life
becomes better and YOU become better, if you allow it!!!!

Always,

CMA