There is a day month after month for the past two years I would love nothing more then to get absolutely shitfaced! I mean really just take it to the face, black out drunk!! This day I speak of, is the first day of my lady cycle. For the past two years my husband and I have struggled with trying to conceive aka Fertility issues. When you are young you never think that trying to get pregnant would be so hard. You think easy, no big deal, it just takes one time, I will do the opposite of what they told me do in sex ed class and just not use any birth control. For some couples they don’t even try, for some they get pregnant after month 1, some 6 months, some 1 year, some need IVF, some need IUI, some need a surrogate and some need to adopt. We all have such different journeys of becoming parents. On our journey I have learned that thousands/millions of couples go thru fertility/infertility issues. My heart breaks for all couples who have to go on this ride because it is beyond the pits. This really is extremely hard and emotionally draining of one’s soul! I’m putting it out to the world because I have to just release this, sometimes holding onto to something so tight limits you and blocks things from coming into your life.
Each month when my lady cycle comes its like a death, you have to mourn a thought, a possibility like this was going to be the month. You have then put more pressure on yourself because “TIME” is an issue for us ladies. It for sure is not in our favor when it comes to bearing children, we all know as you get older chance of pregnancy decreases. After the moment of my lady cycle presenting itself then comes the feels. It’s a combination of sadness, anger and just a big bummer feeling. During these feelings, an old friend decides to bring it’s self to the surface… hello addiction! This asshole really likes to show me some pretty rude scenario’s, like rude! For instance, me having a time with all kinds of liquor mainly lots and lots of shots just not Jameson(insert dry heave)oh and don’t forget the cigs, I’m chain smoking like a savage in these movie trailers playing in my head. During the trailer in my head, then comes the feeling of not deserving good things and really sinking back into the thought process of “I don’t deserve happiness” or “this must be karma” which is just a crock of shit. I do deserve good and know I’m a good person, its just part of the self sabotage/addiction cycle. It’s beyond fucking WILD!! In all honesty, I see how easy it is for people to relapse. Life is hard and you never know what each day is going to throw at you. Addiction is strong, evil and has a way of making you feel like its right to use… it’s seductive.
So, for a few hours of this particular day this is what my thoughts are consumed with but it always makes me feel dirty, like its not right. I’m happy it does make me feel this way because I know that drinking/using wont solve anything. Why?? Cause the pain will still be there tomorrow. I would only be escaping reality for those few hours and is it worth it??? NO!! I’ve come to the point in my recovery and life I have way to much to loose if I drank then gain if I did. Know matter how much therapy, AA, NA, self help and support groups you attend or complete the “addiction” doesn’t leave you, its a disease and will always be apart of you. I’m only speaking from my 4 years and 3 months of sobriety that the addiction just becomes silent and remains still. Life will continue to throw me curveballs but its up to me to keep the fight going and know that DRINKING IS NOT WORTH IT! My way to grieve this loss each month now is eating some really bad food, wearing fat pants, having a good cry and watching Steel Magnolias. Still gets me every time M’Lynn is trying to make Shelby open her eyes while she is laying in the hospital in a coma. I choose to wake up the following day and continue on with life in a positive mindset and know in my heart that one day we will be parents, how we get there that is uncertain but that is life. I choose self love and not self hate.
I’m beyond blessed with all I have now and lucky to have such an amazing, supportive stud of a husband and the best cat in all the land. We will keep our heads held high and keep on truckin at expanding our family. As always we will take our journey one day at a time!!