Eating My Emotions

Have you ever turned to food for comfort? I’m not talking like lady cycle comfort, like legit you turn to food to make yourself feel better. I did for my first year of sobriety…YIKES!!

So, for a year I ate and ate and ate. Didn’t care, zero fucks and had a yolo attitude with whatever I wanted because “I quit drinking!” I found myself using this excuse a lot that first year, it was some “dry drunk” behavior I went thru.  Sometimes I wasn’t even hungry but would eat to satisfied myself when I had a “feeling of life”or even when I would have the urge to drink. There were some days I would have urges every hour, starbursts and skittles were my besties and so was DIET COKE. I use to drink up to 6 sodas a day.  I ate my way to almost 180 pounds!!! At the time, honestly it didn’t matter to me because the first year of sobriety was so scary I just had to exist in life and get thru each day. Never in my life did I think I would find comfort in a bag of KIT KATS, it was better then therapy.. TRUTH! But there I was eating treats to not feel like I did with alcohol pushing feeling down that I didn’t want to deal with like, accountability, the hurt I caused others, repairing relationships, dealing with feelings from your childhood like was I ever good enough for my parents??  The list could go on but that’s for another day. You get the drift!

I started noticing after some time what a slippery slope I was going down. The summer of 2013 I had enough and didn’t want to feel like shit anymore. It wasn’t until I saw this picture that I’m sharing where I had a wake up call. Maybe I finally snapped out of my own delusion of a year of just trying to deal with sobriety. I’ve said it before and will keep saying it, SOBRIETY IS NOT EASY BUT ITS WORTH IT. Lots of feels go on during the recovery journey.   You may see one sober pal killing it with exercise and nutrition from the get and think “why can’t that be me” but you can’t compare to others and maybe that person took a few years to get to that point or maybe that’s just how they dealt from the get it go. One of my closet pals was able to go out with friends right away when she stopped drinking but I could not!  Everyone is different!!

I got to the point where  I felt lethargic all the time, my sleep was awful, my anxiety was soaring and I hated the way I felt. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and starting to feel extremely shameful after I would eat like this.  I wouldn’t even change in front of my boyfriend. I felt like I was slipping into another addiction. It’s funny they usually say where there is one addiction there is about 2-3 more.  Was food addiction about to make my list?!?!? If I kept going that route yes I would of had more of a problem but I recognized it and dealt with it by looking for different outlets of healthy activities.

I started to cope with exercise and learning more about cleaner nutrition to fell better. Don’t get me wrong I still have days especially this past year of falling into a habit of eating my feelings due to infertility issues.  I am human but I snapped out of it again because I was starting to feel like garbage. The last few months I’ve gotten myself back on track because I know eating myself into numbness will not solve anything and just make myself feel worse.  I talk with a lot of women in recovery and ones who are early on in their recovery  and they all say how they have gained weight and are SO hard on themselves.  Ladies, go easy on yourselves… Honestly, gain the weight!!!! It’s better then the alternative, this is just my opinion.  Focus on 90 t0 200 days of your recovery and then start working on the fitness and nutrition part.  Step by Step you will get there. I really believe in early recovery there is so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect! At least I felt that way until I started to just chill after so many months and realizing sober life isn’t so bad and that it wasn’t a punishment.

Give yourself a break for a bit and just get use to your life sober. Let it go and let it flow, the rest will fall into place

 

Always,

CMA

 

July, 2013… This is the picture that opened my eyes… this is also NOT MY CAR just my dream car!!!

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Hello my Name Is

Hello my name is Courtney and I am a Recovering Alcoholic!

I wanted to share a little more of about my history and what my rock bottom was for anyone who is new that is reading my blog. I have been sober now for 4 years and 5 months. I LOVED alcohol, like it was my bestie for over a decade.  My vicious cycle of addiction was spent for over ten years feeling ashamed, embarrassed, lonely, isolated and scared but I kept staying in this world. For so many years I didn’t feel like I deserved any good.  Most days depending on my work schedules were spent thinking about drinking, drinking or dry heaving, laying in bed all day until I ordered pizza at 8pm when I finally stopped throwing up all the alcohol from the night before. I mean this cycle happened weekly, alcohol poising for sure! Of course I would say to myself every time I would dry heave that “be the last time I did shots or drank like that”…LIES! I often find when I woke up the night before I had no clue how I got home or what happened. About ninety percent of the time my drinking would end up with me upsetting one of my friends, boyfriends or family members.  I often would yell at them, pick fights and get violent like a real pig.  So many missed opportunities and relationships down the drain because of my addiction.  So much TIME WASTED and moments I will never get back in my life. Funny thing is since I was about 24 years I knew I  would have to stop drinking one day. In the pit of my soul I believe that all addicts know they have a problem of some sort its just a matter of “are you going to address the problem” or just carrying on because you don’t want to feel or face reality?!!

When I was 29 years old, I woke up the next morning from a complete shit show of an evening.  I was told I lost my cat(who was not an outside cat at all) for the second time as I left my screen door wide open because I went outside to smoke in a blackout. I was also told by my then boyfriend that he was over the drinking as we at that point we had been together for a year and a half. He had seen plenty in such a short amount of time because I will say the last couple of years of my drinking my episodes were getting worse and worse. So that day I made a pact to myself and the universe that if Fiona(my cat) was found I would give up drinking and give life a go sober as I knew I had to do since I was in my early twenties. For two days I laid around from the worst hangover in my life, like straight up death! I surprised I didn’t need medical attention.  So every few hours I  would go outside shaking Fiona’s treats and calling her name, finally FURPANTS came walking out slowly from under my neighbors deck looking terrified and leaves all over her fur  and in her whiskers. I dropped to my knees like a scene from a movie and scooped her up and instantly starting crying. I felt in my whole being and on another level that sobriety was my answer this was 1 million percent my rock bottom. I probably hit RB about 40 times previous to this but this time it was the last bottom I would face.

My life began on  August 18th, 2012! That boyfriend who said enough was enough is now my husband. He even gave up drinking with me, he never had a problem but just got to a point in his life he could do without.  Sober Life has not been easy, a lot of emotions a lot of ups and downs buts its all worth it. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing of how my life has become. My world is just better with friends, family, husband, myself and everything else. I even have my own health and fitness business! That would of never have happened if I continued to drink, I probably be dead if I would of kept in my active addiction and I know that in my heart and soul! Looking forward to bringing more insight to the world about addiction and wellness.  

Hello my name is Courtney and RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE!!!

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