Choice!

This was a hard one for me to understand FOR YEARS!! 
In my active addiction I always played the victim, I blamed my Drinking on everyone else and I justified it by saying “I’m not hurting anyone” which was all a crock of hot shit because I was hurting myself and the trickle down effect it had on others. I blamed my drinking on my parents, relationships, friendships, jobs, I mean really anything.. “Life someone how fucked me over so”…well that was the story I kept telling myself!!! 
Yes..was my childhood and teen years not good because of my parents and I know half the reason I went into drinking was because of the lack of parenting and structure I received. My parents divorced at age 7 and there was just a series of misunfornate events that kept coming after they split. The chaos and crazy times was a yearly staple in my home.  Alcoholism and mental illness was HUGE and at age 7, I already knew what these terms meant because this is what I was shown by adults.  I also learned in early childhood, that drinking was fun and that’s how you have a good time and cope with life or life events. 
The other half of my drinking was because of genetics, alcoholism and mental illness clearly runs on both sides of the family..so BOOM double whammy(anyone remember that game show?? It was a fave of mine😂😂) I was more likely to catch a case of the alcoholism!
But In the end and it didn’t take me getting sober and out of the delusion to realize this.. WE ALWAYS have a choice!!! NO one was sitting there telling me to drink, that was all me!! I created a world for myself that all I did was “party and get wasted” I couldn’t continue to blame people for my drinking because the older I got and the more involved I got into my addiction, I was the one who had control to drink or not to drink. I couldn’t keep living in the past of my childhood and keep blaming others when I was feeding myself the poison. Once I did take my first sip of alcohol it was GAME ON, lights out and zero control.  
Remember we always have a choice and in my heart of hearts I know their are people in this world who truly are “allergic” to the sauce so abstaining from alcohol is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  
I am truly powerless over the hooch and that is 💯 percent amazing and not shameful to admit!!

Always, 

CMA

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2 thoughts on “Choice!

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