Alright friends…. I’m going to open up this discussion, if you are not comfy talking about it..DON’T but for me it took a bit of time to get use too. Also I know this is a topic to a lot of people in the Recovery community you may feel like “am I the only one who feels this way?” You are not. So please feel free to share below if you want or have any insight to the topic. As we know in this journey, what you are feeling and thinking there is at least one other person who feels the SAME. I feel like for this topic..thousands feel this way!!
I remember when I got sober, I seriously thought “how am I going to have sex” at this time I was 1.5 years into my relationship with Matt(my husband) and we had sex BUT it was a lot more when I was drinking. So I was never really fully comfortable with myself to have that intimate relationship(because most addicts/alcoholics have problems with intimacy) with him and being fully present. I used sex thru out my addiction as a way to feel loved, my self worth and to manipulate relationships(obvi super toxic) and I know now that is so outrageous to think that it was the only way to feel loved but it’s what I did. When I say it took me almost a year to feel fully comfortable with him, I’m not kidding. Now I think about “how I could never have a one night stand” like I use too. Seriously, it creeps me out and can’t believe the ones I had. Of course if I was in a right state of mind, I wouldn’t have done them. Some of these dudes I couldn’t even tell you their names but could recognize them by he bar I was at..like shit!! I have forgiven myself and those shameful feelings have disappeared thruout the years of recovery.
If you are feeling like this just know it does get better and it just takes some time in this journey like everything else.
I’m an open book and I don’t look at Sex as a shameful topic but totally get and understand everyone’s views on this topic are different. You actually may be reading this and judge which is fine cause I don’t care. Judge if you want, think I’m a ho(I was and I own it) No one is perfect, the point is I’m bringing awareness to the topic of addiction and folks this is part of it. It’s not pretty and during active addictions, you do some really bad shit that you would never do Sober!!
Hope this post helped one person understand that they are and weren’t alone in this behavior.