This is what my active addiction looked liked.
When people tell you drugs and alcohol aren’t cool, believe them. Lots of cocaine and heavy nightly drinking during these years of my active addiction. I thought I was cool but I actually wasn’t. The best part about this picture is in fact around this time of my life I knew in the pit of my soul that one day I would be sober, I knew it was the alcohol that lead me to drugs and this depressing, lonely, chaotic, shameful life i was living. I knew I didn’t want to keep on this ride anymore but at the time I didn’t know how to get off. It would only take about another 4-5 years later of having a 100th rock bottom for me finally to say fucking enough already. Thank the universe I did, I won’t say I wish i did it early because things happen how they are suppose to. But I will say I am a lucky one to have escaped what addiction ultimately does to a person and that is death. It’s not dramatic, it’s true. Addiction is life or death! I wake up every day and choose life, it was a hard fight for the first few years but you slowly ease into the life you should be living because trust when I say, no one deserves to live in addiction. With choosing recovery the door of opportunities opened to me for life, love, friendships, business and just the world. It can for you too, I promise but you have to stick with it even on the days you feel like you can’t breathe.
Recovering out loud since 8/18/12 If you need help and are ready, reach out!!
Would I like to go back to this young lady in the picture below and tell her to stop drinking at this time before it all got so dark. Of course but going back wouldn’t have changed a thing.
I wouldn’t have listened and most likely told myself to “fuck off and that I was, followed by I’m not hurting anyone” which was not the case. I hurt family, friends, opportunities but most of all I hurt myself in my active addiction. That’s something you truly don’t see until you have some clarity. Clarity is a hell of a drug!! I wouldn’t change a thing and chose a life of recovery at the time I WAS suppose to. I was ready, my soul was ready for the big scary life of the unknown…My unknown was a life without alcohol. If
you are struggling and your ready take the step of choosing a sober life today. Its not easy, some days are HARD AF(I just had one on Friday, 5.5 years in) but man oh man it’s worth it! Keep fighting the good fight to any who are struggling in recovery, it truly is the fight of your life!
2,000 days since I had my last drink..who would of thought??
I don’t ever count days anymore but think about how many day’s that is?!?! Is wild!! I knew in my soul there would be a day I was going to live a life without alcohol. I just didn’t know, when or how I was going to get there. I eventually did get to that point and on that day on 8/18/12 I finally chose a different route then the one I was on for the previous decade. Has Recovery been easy..absolutely not! Some days it’s the pits but other days your like Fuck yes, I own this shit… I see you Recovery and I got this!! It won’t be easy, it will not be perfect, you may(you for sure will and that’s ok) eat a lot of sugar those first few years and question everything but I promise you it’s all worth it.
Sobriety has brought me peace within my self and a life I’m beyond grateful for because I make the daily choice to wake up another day sober.
How many of you always said, “I will start fresh on Monday” after a complete shit show of drinking/using?!??
I did for years. It was always Monday I will start this new change of behavior with my drinking. I won’t take shots anymore, I will only drink wine, NO more cocaine, Absolutely no more Jager/Jameson/Grand Marnier, I won’t be mean to people anymore when hammered, if I can just get thru this hangover and not die god I will quit drinking?!?!? I’m sure there are a few of you that have been down this road or said these exacts words. Well today is Monday and on this Monday you have the power to STOP the madness. Just know that stopping the insanity does consist of putting the bottle or the drugs down completely. There is no in between for us alcoholics and addicts. There just isn’t, so stop telling yourself you can control it. You can’t. I can’t. We can’t. Our brains are not programmed that way. It’s ok to be powerless over something, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human. I’m powerless over alcohol and I am at peace with it.
Took some time to get here but it does for all. Maybe this is the final Monday for you?!?
I have whiskey in my left hand and a rolled up dollar bill in my right. In front of me on a wooden coffee table are broken up lines of blow, ready for me. Soberity is not for me anymore, I take the Jameson to my lips and tip the shot glass back and its over. The light switch has been turned on and I can my addiction come to life. THe whiskey is burning the back of my throat and I feel it warm my bones, I have missed that feeling. After taking a few shots I then indulge into the cocaine that patiently awaits for me. I am back to a familiar crew of friends and It’s like the last 5 years of sobriety never happened. I’m right back to the life of FUN and giving ZERO soulless FUCKS. I feel free and liberated but in the midst of my high, the realization of what i have just done comes into play. The anxiety sets in, my heart beats faster and I start to sweat. What have I done is on repeat in my head, like a broken record but I go in for another line. I’m going to lose it all, lose all I have worked so hard on in these sober years.. my self-love, my true authentic self, my husband, family, friends, business.. all of it gone for a moment of what I think will bring me bliss. My right nostril is burning so bad from the cocaine, the drip in the back of my throat is very aggressive and I just want it to stop. My addiction keeps telling me more, do more, drink more, feel less, drink more, more, more, MORE! The invitation back to this life has always been there but it was finally me who RSVP. I said YES to this party. MY last line of cocaine is done and as I bring my head up after sniffing it up I look up to see my friend look very concerned and say to me ” Courtney, what have you done?’
I wake up in a pool of sweat and sheer panic. I realize it was just a dream but my nostril is burning and its like I could feel what happened in my dream. In early recovery I had these using dreams all the time but as the years go by they become few in far between or when I’m going thru times of stress and change. Addiction never leaves, it’s in us for the rest of our lives. Some days it’s a fight and some are so easy. The one thing I have learned and understood thru this process is it’s all a choice whether you want to use or not. Even in my dreams, using is ALWAYS THE WRONG ANSWER. I instantly feel regret, shame and guilt which is the constant feeling I had in active addction. I know if I would to take that first sip of booze it be me going down the rabbit hole because I am powerless over alcohol.
Keep fighting the good fight because your life is worth it.
True Story…. YOU WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IN SOBRIETY!!! Recovery is scary AF and a lot of things in your life will change but it’s all for the better. Your life will not be the same once you make the choice to give up something that was holding you back for so long. We are suppose to grow as humans not stay the same for the rest of our lives. You will lose friends, relationships and that old self but you gain such a beautiful life and gain your true self in the process. Let go, surrender and let your life path take its course!!💜💥✌🏻🦋🚫🥃
Waking up HANGOVER FREE after my birthday for the 5th year in a row!! Feels sooooooooooo good not to feel like an ashamed shit bag! Yes, birthdays are different now BUT for the better. Instead of my intentions of getting as drunk as possible because that’s what I thought fun was and the only way to celebrate your birth. They are now spent with some people I care about most in this precious world with a lot of laughs and quality time. Along with some spa pampering!! It’s totally OK to spend your birthday sipping sparkling water, the world will not end. Looking forward to embracing 3️⃣5️⃣ and enjoying the ride..One Day At A Time!! 🚫🥃💜🙌🏻🎉
Throwback to living in a world of shame, hate, anger, loneliness, self sabotage and a Mindset of thinking I didn’t deserve any good in my world. Funny thing is..I put myself in that state. I was the one who continued to drink and create a very delusional world for myself. That’s right, I DID it all to myself..addiction is a powerful disease. There is life after addiction and a very good one y’all, you have the choice to start today and my wish for the people who are suffering in addiction is that you choose LIFE because that’s what addiction comes down to..life or death! Recovery is POSSIBLE. 💜✌🏻🦋🌿🚫🥃
Couldn’t agree MORE!!
This past weekend has been a happy but emotional one for me celebrating my 5 year. When you celebrate this type of milestone it seems surreal because YOU are the only one who knows the true struggle you had in days of addiction and in recovery. Yes, recovery can be a struggle but the bad days in recovery will ALWAYS win over the best days in addiction because they were really not all that great or few and far between.. I will never be cured of this disease cause yes it is a disease y’all. I still have days 5 years into this where the thought of drinking comes to my mind and how good it would feel to be drunk..truth! I have to let that thought come to mind feel it and then shake it off and not live in that addiction demon. I didn’t say to myself one day “man, I’m going to become an alcoholic today and do the following…ruin relationships, spend nights in jail, spend nights in hospitals because of drunken induced accidents, destroy my body, wake up next to someone not knowing their name, missed milestone moments in friends/family lives, go into a tail spin of debt, do drugs that you always said you wouldn’t do, shame/guilt spiral, lose jobs, missed opportunities and spend a decade of my life in this vicious cycle cause this all sounds like a good time!” My sober life is my life now and I know turning back to the bottle will never solve anything and will just bring more bad then good but at some point if you want a better life you really have to make the CHOICE TO STOP..I did and if I can, so can you!!
My bestie was alcohol and that best friend of mine at one point of my life would of eventually killed me down the road. Let it go, get the help and know that YOU are WORTH IT!💯💜🚫🥃🌿✌🏻👱🏻♀️
My favorite day of the year is here!! I love this day more then my birthday, the Oscars, Sundays or any major holiday. Im 5 today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made the decision to stop the madness on 8/18/12 and make a choice to live a life of love, light and freedom five years ago today. Which is exactly the opposite of what I was living for a decade of my active addiction with alcohol. I still allow myself to feel that morning cause that is a place I never wish to go back to. Was it a scary thought to think of a life without the booze?? YES, of course!! It took me two years to settle fully in my sober life and feel comfortable in my own skin. I had to relearn how to live again, relearn how to cope and just be without booze. Thru these years and the process of recovery I have learned, I’m much stronger then I ever thought, the world is truly my oyster and I am extremely powerless over alcohol and that is OK!! Doesn’t make me a freak show or less then anyone. The heavy burden that was once in my daily life blocking me from the life I knew I wanted and deserved is no longer there and I’m living that life I once dreamed of being free from shame, guilt, darkness and despair. When I’m asked how have I stayed sober, the answer is simple, I don’t want to die. My addiction is a matter of life and death and I will always choose life!! If I pick up the bottle again, good night sweet prince…it’s true y’all. The Recovery road is not an EASY one, you really do have to put the work in daily but as time goes on it gets easier and becomes just a way of life. I do promise you with all my heart and soul, that recovery is WORTH IT and for anyone who is struggling reach out for help there is always someone there for you. I’m HERE always. Recovery is a WE thing, I wouldn’t be here today without the love and support from my husband, family and friends!! To the Recovery community, I just adore and love you all. So much strength, beauty and talents come out of sobriety/recovery. You all are such an inspiration to me, so thank you to ALL!!
Sober is the new everything, take it one day at a time and always know that WE DO RECOVER!!!!💯💜😭🚫🥃 #celebraterecovery