Monday

How many of you always said, “I will start fresh on Monday” after a complete shit show of drinking/using?!??

I did for years. It was always Monday I will start this new change of behavior with my drinking. I won’t take shots anymore, I will only drink wine, NO more cocaine, Absolutely no more Jager/Jameson/Grand Marnier, I won’t be mean to people anymore when hammered, if I can just get thru this hangover and not die god I will quit drinking?!?!? I’m sure there are a few of you that have been down this road or said these exacts words. Well today is Monday and on this Monday you have the power to STOP the madness. Just know that stopping the insanity does consist of putting the bottle or the drugs down completely. There is no in between for us alcoholics and addicts. There just isn’t, so stop telling yourself you can control it. You can’t. I can’t. We can’t. Our brains are not programmed that way. It’s ok to be powerless over something, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human. I’m powerless over alcohol and I am at peace with it.

Took some time to get here but it does for all. Maybe this is the final Monday for you?!?

Xoxox,

CMA

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Powerless.

I have whiskey in my left hand and a rolled up dollar bill in my right. In front of me on a wooden coffee table are broken up lines of blow, ready for me.  Soberity is not for me anymore, I take the Jameson to my lips and tip the shot glass back and its over. The light switch has been turned on and I can my addiction come to life.  THe whiskey is burning the back of my throat and I feel it warm my bones, I have missed that feeling.  After taking a few shots I then indulge into the cocaine that patiently awaits for me.  I am back to a familiar crew of friends and It’s like the last 5 years of sobriety never happened.  I’m right back to the life of FUN and giving ZERO soulless FUCKS.  I feel free and liberated but in the midst of my high, the realization of what i have just done comes into play. The anxiety sets in, my heart beats faster and I start to sweat. What have I done is on repeat in my head, like a broken record but I go in for another line. I’m going to lose it all, lose all I have worked so hard on in these sober years.. my self-love, my true authentic self, my husband, family, friends, business.. all of it gone for a moment of what I think will bring me bliss.  My right nostril is burning so bad from the cocaine, the drip in the back of my throat is very aggressive and I just want it to stop.  My addiction keeps telling me more, do more, drink more, feel less, drink more, more, more, MORE! The invitation back to this life has always been there but it was finally me who RSVP. I said YES to this party. MY last line of cocaine is done and as I bring my head up after sniffing it up I look up to see my friend look very concerned and say to me ” Courtney, what have you done?’

I wake up in a pool of sweat and sheer panic.  I realize it was just a dream but my nostril is burning and its like I could feel what happened in my dream.  In early recovery I had these using dreams all the time but as the years go by they become few in far between or when I’m going thru times of stress and change. Addiction never leaves, it’s in us for the rest of our lives. Some days it’s a fight and some are so easy.  The one thing I have learned and understood thru this process is it’s all a choice whether you want to use or not. Even in my dreams, using is ALWAYS THE WRONG ANSWER.  I instantly feel regret, shame and guilt which is the constant feeling I had in active addction.  I know if I would to take that first sip of booze it be me going down the rabbit hole because I am powerless over alcohol.

Keep fighting the good fight because your life is worth it.

XOXO,

CMA

Truth!

True Story…. YOU WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IN SOBRIETY!!! Recovery is scary AF and a lot of things in your life will change but it’s all for the better. Your life will not be the same once you make the choice to give up something that was holding you back for so long. We are suppose to grow as humans not stay the same for the rest of our lives. You will lose friends, relationships and that old self but you gain such a beautiful life and gain your true self in the process. Let go, surrender and let your life path take its course!!💜💥✌🏻🦋🚫🥃

35

Waking up HANGOVER FREE after my birthday for the 5th year in a row!! Feels sooooooooooo good not to feel like an ashamed shit bag! Yes, birthdays are different now BUT for the better. Instead of my intentions of getting as drunk as possible because that’s what I thought fun was and the only way to celebrate your birth. They are now spent with some people I care about most in this precious world with a lot of laughs and quality time. Along with some spa pampering!! It’s totally OK to spend your birthday sipping sparkling water, the world will not end. Looking forward to embracing 3️⃣5️⃣ and enjoying the ride..One Day At A Time!! 🚫🥃💜🙌🏻🎉

Throwback

Throwback to living in a world of shame, hate, anger, loneliness, self sabotage and a Mindset of thinking I didn’t deserve any good in my world. Funny thing is..I put myself in that state. I was the one who continued to drink and create a very delusional world for myself. That’s right, I DID it all to myself..addiction is a powerful disease. There is life after addiction and a very good one y’all, you have the choice to start today and my wish for the people who are suffering in addiction is that you choose LIFE because that’s what addiction comes down to..life or death! Recovery is POSSIBLE. 💜✌🏻🦋🌿🚫🥃

Let it Go!

Couldn’t agree MORE!! 

This past weekend has been a happy but emotional one for me celebrating my 5 year. When you celebrate this type of milestone it seems surreal because YOU are the only one who knows the true struggle you had in days of addiction and in recovery. Yes, recovery can be a struggle but the bad days in recovery will ALWAYS win over the best days in addiction because they were really not all that great or few and far between.. I will never be cured of this disease cause yes it is a disease y’all. I still have days 5 years into this where the thought of drinking comes to my mind and how good it would feel to be drunk..truth! I have to let that thought come to mind feel it and then shake it off and not live in that addiction demon. I didn’t say to myself one day “man, I’m going to become an alcoholic today and do the following…ruin relationships, spend nights in jail, spend nights in hospitals because of drunken induced accidents, destroy my body, wake up next to someone not knowing their name, missed milestone moments in friends/family lives, go into a tail spin of debt, do drugs that you always said you wouldn’t do, shame/guilt spiral, lose jobs, missed opportunities and spend a decade of my life in this vicious cycle cause this all sounds like a good time!” My sober life is my life now and I know turning back to the bottle will never solve anything and will just bring more bad then good but at some point if you want a better life you really have to make the CHOICE TO STOP..I did and if I can, so can you!!

 My bestie was alcohol and that best friend of mine at one point of my life would of eventually killed me down the road. Let it go, get the help and know that YOU are WORTH IT!💯💜🚫🥃🌿✌🏻👱🏻‍♀️

Happy 5th Birthday!!

My favorite day of the year is here!! I love this day more then my birthday, the Oscars, Sundays or any major holiday. Im 5 today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I made the decision to stop the madness on 8/18/12  and make a choice to live a life of love, light and freedom five years ago today. Which is exactly the opposite of what I was living for a decade of my active addiction with alcohol. I still allow myself to feel that morning cause that is a place I never wish to go back to. Was it a scary thought to think of a life without the booze?? YES, of course!! It took me two years to settle fully in my sober life and feel comfortable in my own skin. I had to relearn how to live again, relearn how to cope and just be without booze. Thru these years and the process of recovery I have learned, I’m much stronger then I ever thought, the world is truly my oyster and I am extremely powerless over alcohol and that is OK!! Doesn’t make me a freak show or less then anyone. The heavy burden that was once in my daily life blocking me from the life I knew I wanted and deserved is no longer there and I’m living that life I once dreamed of being free from shame, guilt, darkness and despair. When I’m asked how have I stayed sober, the answer is simple, I don’t want to die. My addiction is a matter of life and death and I will always choose life!! If I pick up the bottle again, good night sweet prince…it’s true y’all. The Recovery road is not an EASY one, you really do have to put the work in daily but as time goes on it gets easier and becomes just a way of life. I do promise you with all my heart and soul, that recovery is WORTH IT and for anyone who is struggling reach out for help there is always someone there for you. I’m HERE always. Recovery is a WE thing, I wouldn’t be here today without the love and support from my husband, family and friends!! To the Recovery community, I just adore and love you all. So much strength, beauty and talents come out of sobriety/recovery. You all are such an inspiration to me, so thank you to ALL!! 

Sober is the new everything, take it one day at a time and always know that WE DO RECOVER!!!!💯💜😭🚫🥃 #celebraterecovery

Sober On Bourbon Street

SOBER on Bourbon Street!!!!! Here is what I have learned in life..no matter where you go there you are!! Before I left on this trip, I had someone say to me, “what the hell are you going to New Orleans for?? You don’t drink!” Why, yes sir I don’t but I also CHOOSE to continue to live life and not curl up and become a recluse… Alcohol is in every town, every state and every country on this planet. You can make any town a party town but I will not sit back and let life pass me by and I’m FOR sure am having a sober time in one of the best cities on the planet. Sobriety is the NEW EVERYTHING!!⚜️💜🚫🥃

SOBER SEX!!!

Alright friends…. I’m going to open up this discussion, if you are not comfy talking about it..DON’T but for me it took a bit of time to get use too. Also I know this is a topic to a lot of people in the Recovery community you may feel like “am I the only one who feels this way?” You are not. So please feel free to share below if you want or have any insight to the topic. As we know in this journey, what you are feeling and thinking there is at least one other person who feels the SAME.  I feel like for this topic..thousands feel this way!!
SOBER SEX! 
I remember when I got sober, I seriously thought “how am I going to have sex” at this time I was 1.5 years into my relationship with Matt(my husband) and we had sex BUT it was a lot more when I was drinking. So I was never really fully comfortable with myself to have that intimate relationship(because most addicts/alcoholics have problems with intimacy) with him and being fully present. I used sex thru out my addiction as a way to feel loved, my self worth and to manipulate relationships(obvi super toxic) and I know now that is so outrageous to think that it was the only way to feel loved but it’s what I did. When I say it took me almost a year to feel fully comfortable with him, I’m not kidding. Now I think about “how I could never have a one night stand” like I use too. Seriously, it creeps me out and can’t believe the ones I had. Of course if I was in a right state of mind, I wouldn’t have done them. Some of these dudes I couldn’t even tell you their names but could recognize them by he bar I was at..like shit!! I have forgiven myself and those shameful feelings have disappeared thruout the years of recovery. 
If you are feeling like this just know it does get better and it just takes some time in this journey like everything else. 
I’m an open book and I don’t look at Sex as a shameful topic but totally get and understand everyone’s views on this topic are different.  You actually may be reading this and judge which is fine cause I don’t care. Judge if you want, think I’m a ho(I was and I own it) No one is perfect, the point is I’m bringing awareness to the topic of addiction and folks this is part of it. It’s not pretty and during active addictions, you do some really bad shit that you would never do Sober!! 
Hope this post helped one person understand that they are and weren’t alone in this behavior.
Always, 

CMA

Choice!

This was a hard one for me to understand FOR YEARS!! 
In my active addiction I always played the victim, I blamed my Drinking on everyone else and I justified it by saying “I’m not hurting anyone” which was all a crock of hot shit because I was hurting myself and the trickle down effect it had on others. I blamed my drinking on my parents, relationships, friendships, jobs, I mean really anything.. “Life someone how fucked me over so”…well that was the story I kept telling myself!!! 
Yes..was my childhood and teen years not good because of my parents and I know half the reason I went into drinking was because of the lack of parenting and structure I received. My parents divorced at age 7 and there was just a series of misunfornate events that kept coming after they split. The chaos and crazy times was a yearly staple in my home.  Alcoholism and mental illness was HUGE and at age 7, I already knew what these terms meant because this is what I was shown by adults.  I also learned in early childhood, that drinking was fun and that’s how you have a good time and cope with life or life events. 
The other half of my drinking was because of genetics, alcoholism and mental illness clearly runs on both sides of the family..so BOOM double whammy(anyone remember that game show?? It was a fave of mine😂😂) I was more likely to catch a case of the alcoholism!
But In the end and it didn’t take me getting sober and out of the delusion to realize this.. WE ALWAYS have a choice!!! NO one was sitting there telling me to drink, that was all me!! I created a world for myself that all I did was “party and get wasted” I couldn’t continue to blame people for my drinking because the older I got and the more involved I got into my addiction, I was the one who had control to drink or not to drink. I couldn’t keep living in the past of my childhood and keep blaming others when I was feeding myself the poison. Once I did take my first sip of alcohol it was GAME ON, lights out and zero control.  
Remember we always have a choice and in my heart of hearts I know their are people in this world who truly are “allergic” to the sauce so abstaining from alcohol is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  
I am truly powerless over the hooch and that is 💯 percent amazing and not shameful to admit!!

Always, 

CMA